somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
by DarkAngelOfSorrowReturns
Summary: Sirius wanted the deed to his swamp back. He didn't dream that he'd have to go through this... Shrek!AU, Wolfstar for my HoH Liza!


Note: Shrek!AU, for a small guide... Shrek=Sirius, Donkey=Buckbeak, Fiona=Remus, Dragon=Nagini, Lord Farquaad = C. Fudge

* * *

Sirius would do anything to get his swamp back from those fairytale creatures trying to take it over. Yesterday, he marched to the town of Ministry with the talking, annoying donkey who called himself Buckbeak and demanded Lord Fudge to give him the deed to his swamp back.

Lord Fudge agreed to his demands, not that Sirius had any doubt mind you given who and what he was, but he agreed on the condition that Sirius returned back with Prince Remus so Lord Fudge could marry him.

Thus bringing Sirius back to his thoughts of doing anything to get his swamp back. Buckbeak had yet to stop yapping next to him, and Sirius was close to thinking that he'd do _almost anything_ for his swamp and simply turn around. He could forget that anything had ever happened and find a home somewhere else.

As they walked along the path to Prince Remus's castle, Sirius made a sideways glance at Buckbeak. He had _yet_ to stop talking.

"For the love of– can you _please_ stop talking!" Sirius exclaimed.

Buckbeak made a sour face, as well as any donkey could manage. " _Excuse me_ for trying to keep the trip more entertaining."

"You're excused, now shut it."

An offended noise came from Buckbeak's throat, but the conversation didn't continue as he stared upon the golden glow of the castle ahead of them. "Woah," he said.

Sirius sniffed the air. "Do you smell that?"

Buckbeak smelled the air. "I just smell those onions you were talking about earlier."

The ogre stopped and glared at Buckbeak once again before waving him off and continuing. "Smells like...like a vase with bad dirt in it."

"How could you possibly smell that?" Buckbeak asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm an ogre," he said simply.

Buckbeak rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that answers everything."

Sirius ignored him as they neared the entrance to the castle. Before them was a large castle lined in gold bricks. Colorful arrays of flowers towered many feet above the duo in the shrubbery, creating a wall of sorts. In the distance there was a courtyard decorated with pillars that connected to a pavillion. The ogre shuddered with the fact it felt more happy than helpless.

"I've changed my mind. I'm leaving," Sirius said.

"You agreed to this thing to get the swamp back," Buckbeak argued. "You can't leave now."

"I have half a mind to puke on you right now," Sirius muttered. "I feel sick from all the pansiness. It was a good idea yesterday, but now I'm not so sure."

Buckbeak snorted and trudged along. "Well too bad! We're here and we're gonna get Prince Remus. Then we're gonna get the hell outta here, get the swamp back, and live the rest of our lives making waffles."

Sirius shook his head. He was too floored by Buckbeak's optimism to properly respond. Though he would never admit it to the donkey out loud, Sirius knew that he was right. It was too late to turn back now empty handed, and his swamp needed him more than ever.

So he walked through the wall of flowers, looking from side to side for any suspicious movement or activity. By the time they reached the castle's gates, Sirius felt that things were too quiet for his liking.

Buckbeak bumped into him, making Sirius turn sharply towards him to give him a piece of his mind, but his eyes landed on what had Buckbeak so shaky.

There were many skeletal remains near the gate, and that could only mean that they were the men that never succeeded. Good thing Sirius was more than just a man.

Picking up some of the dead knight's armor, Sirius began putting the items on and jerking his head to another direction.

"You keep a lookout," Sirius ordered. "I'm going to find Prince Remus."

"How do you know where he's gonna be?"

Sirius shrugged. "Call it a hunch." Soon enough, Sirius was gone inside the castle.

Buckbeak started to pace in his spot, huffing. "A hunch. Yeah, a hunch my ass," he murmured. "He better get back here soon. Things getting kinda creepy already."

Unbeknownst to Buckbeak, there was some rustling in the tall flower walls. A pair of piercing eyes were zoning in on its target, ready to strike.

* * *

Sirius had nearly perfected his part of the mission without a fuss, except Prince Remus had questions and 'gratitude' rather than accepting silence.

His need for silence was paused when he heard the scared scream of Buckbeak and the sight of a large snake chasing after the donkey. Sirius had no choice but to race in with Remus in tow (mainly because they had to hold hands to get Remus to go anywhere) and try to save the damn donkey. Sirius was beginning to feel the compassion that most people had for one another. It was making him sick.

As they ran, Sirius noted that Remus wasn't as shocked at the large snake but was more concerned as if he realized something.

"I forgot that this was Nagini's feeding time at this hour," Remus said through short breaths. "I hope that you're prepared!"

Sirius' head snapped in Remus' direction. "You named the thing?!"

"You try being locked up in a tower since you were a young boy! You'd be lonely and name the thing guarding you!"

"No! No I would not!"

Remus pursed his lips but didn't say another word as Nagini continued to chase after the pair. He allowed Sirius to drag him around the courtyard where the pillars stood. Once he saw the pattern they were running into, Remus' eyes widened.

"Are you trying to–"

They stopped running, and Remus was met with a smug grin on Sirius' face.

"I already did it," Sirius said proudly.

Remus placed a hand on his cheek as he stared at Nagini tied around the pillars like one of those bows he saw on bonnets.

"My goodness," Remus said softly. "I don't know whether I should feel relieved to finally be free of Nagini or saddened that this would be my final moments with her."

Sirius rolled his eyes underneath his helmet. "Yeah, yeah. Sob, boo hoo, can we leave now?" he asked, sarcasm dripping through his words. "Any other overgrown animals I should be worried about guarding you?"

Remus swallowed hard, shaking his head. "No, it was only Nagini." He looked at Sirius and clasped his hands together. "You saved me, knight, and for that I must give you a token of my gratitude."

The ogre raised his hand and shook his head. "No need, Prince. Our journey to your new life will be payment enough."

The prince's brows furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand. You were my rescuer so I shall provide you with the proper payment before our marriage goes like it should."

Sirius started coughing, and a hoof started hitting his back. Remus had completely forgotten about the noble steed aiding in distracting the snake.

"Marriage?" Sirius repeated. "I'm not the one you're marrying."

"Perhaps if I saw the face of my rescuer, it could make things easier," Remus reasoned, trying to reach for the metal plating that protected Sirius' face.

Sirius took a step back. "I'd rather not. Hives are a fickle thing, and messed up my nearly perfect skin."

"Except for the whole being green part," Buckbeak commented, earning him a glare from Sirius.

"Take that back," Sirius said. "You jackass."

"Just because you wanna get back to your swamp so badly doesn't mean you get to be mean to me the whole time."

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, glancing from Remus to Buckbeak. Remus could tell he was contemplating something; but as soon as Sirius reached for his helmet to take it off, Remus could feel parts of his breath being taken away.

"You're...you're…" Remus began to say, but he couldn't finish his sentence. Bugger, he didn't even know what could be said in that moment.

"What? This ain't good enough for you?" Sirius asked with his arms open, gesturing to himself with a scoff. "Too bad, Prince, you're coming with me, and you're going to marry Lord Fudge."

Remus folded his arms and looked the other way. First this Sirius fellow saves him (in an unorthodox yet effective and cunning manner), then he finds out he's going to marry some man that _didn't_ rescue him. "I'm not going anywhere of the sort, _Sirius_. And you can't make me."

Sirius and Buckbeak looked at one another before Sirius reached for Remus, using his strength to hoist the prince over his shoulder. This did not go without protest. Remus thrashed and kicked at Sirius' back.

"Put me down! This cannot be legal of any sort!" Remus screamed.

Sirius rolled his eyes as they walked down the path. "I don't care about what's legal. I care about getting your arse to that castle and me back to my swamp."

Remus realized that his efforts would be futile, so he sighed and leaned on his hand as he was being carried away from the only life he'd ever known for years. Now he could add being kidnapped on the list of things that happened to him today.

* * *

The more time that Sirius spent with Remus on their short journey, the more he was sad that he had to let the man go. He was learning a lot from him, given that Remus turned into a 'beast' after sunset and could fight off an entire group of rogue Aurors by himself, but alas, their time was short lived.

With Remus hoping that the curse would break after marrying Lord Fudge, Sirius had to do what he was supposed to do: be the delivery boy.

It stung at first, knowing that he was catching feelings for a man that wasn't concerned about him, but as the last hour of their moments (plus an annoying Buckbeak) came, Sirius was slowly resigning to the fact that a man like him could never be loved. He couldn't even be loved by a cursed man.

He left for firewood to clear his mind and hopefully push back any feelings that he held for Prince Remus, but when he returned, his feelings only intensified.

Remus had his back to him, so Sirius couldn't help but admire the broadness and lean muscles that the prince sported from his self-training. He liked the way Remus' brown hair moved slightly with with breeze. He liked the man's posture; Remus was royalty and held himself as such.

But as admiration goes, self consciousness follows right behind it. Sirius cleared his throat and set the firewood down. Remus turned to meet Sirius' eyes and smiled at him. Sirius returned it and moved to sit next to the prince.

"So," Sirius said. "You ready to meet your husband?"

Remus looked down at his hands. "I suppose so. I'm ready for my curse to break and be who I'm meant to truly be."

Sirius looked at the sun shining bright in the sky, giving a small nod. "Well, we're almost there."

"I'm sorry, Sirius."

Sirius turned to him with a frown. "Sorry for what?"

"I've just lied to you," Remus said. "I can't say that I'm ready to be married to Lord Fudge."

"But why?"

The message was within the look in Remus' eyes. "I believe that my feelings are directing me towards someone else."

Sirius scratched his cheek. "I erm...I don't think…"

Remus shook his head. "It was foolish of me to think so."

"No! I...I have just never felt this way before."

"Should we be having this conversation in front of Buckbeak?"

Sirius looked in the direction that Buckbeak was sleeping in. His legs were up in the air and his tongue was out, so Sirius waved it off. "I doubt he can hear anything."

Remus smiled once more and placed a hand on Sirius' knee. "Then I would like to admit that after we shared the web sticks that I found myself more fond of you," he said.

Heat rose to Sirius' cheeks, but due to his skin tone he wasn't sure if it even showed. He certainly hoped it didn't. "You've grown on me too, Remus."

Remus' eyes flicked from Sirius' eyes to his lips, and through instinct and desire, Sirius leaned forward. He could feel as his eyes closed that Remus was doing the same. Their lips had almost brushed up against one anothers when a sudden whoosh of air hit them and caused them to jump apart.

"I knew it! I knew you two were gonna dig each other!" Buckbeak said happily in between them. "Y'all make such the cutest couple."

Sirius reached forward with both hands at Buckbeak. "I'm going to toss you off the hill," he threatened, so Buckbeak yelped and started to run off. Pride wouldn't let Sirius have Buckbeak get away so easily, so he chased the donkey who had horrible timing. He would have gone back to kissing Remus, but the embarrassing damage had been done. So Sirius could take that out on Buckbeak.

Though there was one certain thing that Sirius was holding in the back of his mind. There was no way that Lord Fudge was marrying Remus. Nu uh, no way. He found someone he could properly share his swamp with, and he wasn't letting that go easily.

* * *

 **A/N: Written for The Houses Competition and HSWW (Challenges and Assignments)**

(THC) House: Hufflepuff; Year/Position: Year 7; Category: Themed; Prompt: [Speech] "I have half a mind to puke on you right now."

(HSWW) Assignment #9 Mythology Task 6 - Write a Shrek!AU

Angel's Arcade: Bowser - (color) gold, (trait) cunning, (setting) castle

Emy's Emporium: Empress Borte - write about saving a damsel (or mansel) in distress.

Showtime: 26. Javert at the Barricade - (animal) snake

Book of the Month: Eddie's Dad - (word) damage, (trait) stubborn, (dialogue) "What? This ain't good enough for you?"

Word Count: 2,227


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